MORE ON NATURE...

I was fascinated by ***** 's treatment of those matters we all produce but seldom discuss. He was modest about his own expertise in this arena -  W*******, his motor yacht is fitted out with all manner of devices for the convenience and comfort of his passengers. My favourite is the pig's ear, a small plastic funnel for the use of gentlemen, which plugs directly into a length of flexible piping and in turn emerges via a bronze fitting in the hull. One can stand in the rear cockpit and admire the sunset, exchanging comments with nearby boats and pretend that the tinkling stream issuing from the hull comes from the galley. Where ***** gets the name troubles me a little; I would not like to be a member of the porcine tribe residing in his vicinity.

Most of us use the bailer as he does. Andy Bolger and I use 'praying' as discrete slang for this - those mooring nearby must have thought us very religious by the number of times we knelt to express our devotions. A useful tip (dear me) is to make your own bailer from the sort of flexible one-gallon rectangular polythene container in which farmers sell scrumpy. Leave the lid on and cut the bottom off at a slight angle. It is just small and flexible enough not to get too much in the way around the boat, but it is sufficiently wide, when correctly shaped, to accommodate the female anatomy as well as serving the male DCA member. A smaller version made from a plastic milk bottle can be kept inside it to serve for awkward spaces and a sponge can double for other hygienic purposes.

Which brings me to another aspect of this enthralling subject. The upper parts of Nepal around Everest are littered with decorations known to the locals as 'white man's prayer flags'. This material is bulky to carry and becomes useless when it gets wet. The operation which precedes its use is often carried out near water and vegetation. Hill walkers and climbers are a mine of information on the benefits of different kinds of grass and heather, but along the water line many people take a similar approach with seaweed, and the nearby salt water makes a convenient bidet. Watch out for small crabs though.

According to a publication called How to Sh*t in the Woods (1), the most effective way of aiding nature to quickly break down solids is to smear them about the surface of small stones and pebbles. In maritime situations this translates itself into building a small cairn over the offending item, somewhere between the high and low water mark. The trick is to do this in places only accessible by water, as you will then avoid distress to inquisitive holidaymakers bent on uncovering new forms of marine life. The people who frequent the truly wild places know better than to investigate such cairns too closely, the stones prevent the item from embarking on its own voyage to more peopled shores while at the same time allowing access by the abundant salt water life forms that soon render it innocuous.

Scrumpy-bottle bailers and wayside cairns will serve both men and women. Bailers can be used at sea, trips ashore to construct the cairn or find the facility can be timed to coincide with other trips to obtain water and dump rubbish. With careful training and attention to diet, the human body can be primed to go off at certain times. Andy and I found that an apple each, as we got into the double kayak to go ashore worked for us; the more constipated could use laxative chocolate. Do however pay careful attention to timing in order to avoid embarrassment.

Away from land, more drastic measures are needed. For problems associated with the longer passage and the greater motion, a more carefully planned version of dietary control can work. Given ample evacuation beforehand, and the use of compact foods such as glucose tablets and vitamin pills, it is possible to go for many days without exploding. However, for more frequently pressing liquid issues, this will not work. Wet-suit bib-and-brace and a buffalo shirt are a good way of keeping warm in wet conditions, but are worse than oilskin trousers for access. Those who use wet suits regularly sometimes take warm showers with the wet-suit on before their sorties, to avoid the cold shock when they fall in. Where showers are not available, there is a traditional way of warming up the lower part of the garment which has an obvious bearing on our subject. Another useful tip - when cleaning wet suits and neoprene boots to remove nasty odours, use old-fashioned washing soda since disinfectant often produces a nasty rash. Never borrow a wet-suit from anyone with whom you would be unwilling to have an intimate physical relationship.

Although I am not worthy to sit on a stool at ***** 's feet with respect to my mastery of this subject, I hope that I am adding to what he has begun in flushing out the truth of these matters. I wait with interest to see what further things emerge from the body of the DCA now that ***** has opened up the topic to the rest of us.

(1) This is an allusion to the jocular North American expression of mock disbelief, along the lines of "Is the Pope a Catholic..?!!" and which goes "Do bears sh*t in the woods..?!!". How to Sh*t in the Woods (2) is published by Cordee, costs around £10.00 and is all about American ecological purism.

(2) To those who find my use of asterisks hypocritical or annoying, I dedicate the following verse on self-censorship: